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Embrace the Beauty

August 2008



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Nov. 28th, 2007


I'll keep you my dirty little secret

You know, being afflicted by something is one thing and being able to take care of said affliction is another. I've been suffering from panic attacks since fall of 2002. I've been on and off medication since then...typically going 1 year on, 6 months off...etc. Well, I weaned myself off of it AGAIN a few months ago and thought that I could be strong! That I could do it myself and be cured forever! 


Apparently my brain didn't like that idea because just a few weeks after I stopped taking it...BAM. I had a panic attack when Matt and I went to St. Louis. Like a full-fledged, crying, snot-nosed episode. BAM. Just like that. 

It's been getting gradually worse since. Now it's like an all day thing, not so much with the crying, but more like I can't concentrate at work. I thought well, enough is enough. It's affecting my WORK now. $#@^!@. Seriously. Needless to say, I broke down my 'strong woman' facade and told Matt this morning, tears and all, that I think I needed help again and should call the doctor.

The medication is now, once again, in my hot little hands. Now I just have to tell my parents...not that they'll be mad at me, they'll be concerned...especially once I tell them that it was affecting my work and my ability to focus.

UGH. This is just nuts. If you have ever suffered from an anxiety disorder or still do, you are not alone. Sometimes I think it's the stupidest thing EVER to be afflicted by this, but it is honestly my kryptonite. It keeps me from being the strong woman that I want to be, that I DREAM of being. It cripples me. It eats my mind away like some plague. But when I'm on the meds, I'm better. I'm okay. 

And I'm listening to Christmas music, so the world is okay right now.

Oct. 30th, 2007

Goodnight Moon

Liar liar, pants on fiah.

 You guys, I so LIED the other day when I said I'd never seen the Backstreet Boys in concert!!! OMG, I can't believe I lied like a mofo.

I saw them in 2000(?) on their Larger Than Life(?) tour. I put the question marks, because I totally have forgotten when and what it was called. Aaaanyway, then I remembered that the first poster that I EVER had in my room was of BSB.

And then *NSYNC came and stole my brain.

But you know? At least through all their rehabs, marriages, babies, psychotic mothers...they've stayed together!

It must be so difficult to be Justin [rolls eyes], I'm tellin' you what. He's gorgeous and I will always buy his CD's and crap, but...come ON, dude. Is it really better being alone? I bet it feels funny sometimes...like he's missing an arm or leg or something like that. He probably experiences 'phantom limb' syndrome. I bet you anything.

I'm just sayin'.

Oct. 29th, 2007


I'm wishin' I could find the words to say...

Baby, I would tell you every time you leave, I'm inconsolable...

You know, even though *NSYNC is no more [here's one for my homies -- *pours drink on ground*], at least SOMEONE stayed together.

Even though it IS Backstreet. 

But I'm glad that they did. Of course, they're minus Kevin, but...it's okay. He was cool, but he wasn't one of the lead singers. It's like if *NSYNC would've gone on without Justin or JC. I mean, come on. You know it wouldn't be the same. But the Backstreet Boys have really pulled their shiznit together on this new album.

I like it. Honestly. It's very very Backstreet, so you have to like them or have some inkling to like them, in order to really appreciate it. I can say right now that I'll definitely buy it because I need something else to make me happy and get me singing really loud in the car again, until Justin comes out with another CD or something. 

I got a smile listening to it over the weekend (here's a hint: http://www.theleak.vh1.com ) and in fact, it's playing loudly through my headphones here at work. I forgot how much I love AJ's voice! And Brian and little Nick and Howiiie!


You guys have GOT to stop me. I'm actin' something silly.

When they go on tour, I can bet you right now that they'll come to our new Sprint Center (which is the BOMB -- http://www.sprintcenter.com ) and this will be my first time EVER (yes, EVER) to see them in concert. I'm going, biatches. Just you wait and see. I want my Man!Band fix.

Oh yes and Matt's boss gave him GARTH BROOKS tickets on Friday!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Omg. I'm so excited.

Oct. 25th, 2007

Gone Away

Gimme more? Gimme a BREAK.

 MTV's "The Leak" has posted Britney's 'Blackout'. I'm listening to it right now, here at work, and I have to say that...I can't even get through an entire song. 


I'm bored. This album is making me more bored than I was before! WHAT?! How can that be? It's BRITNEY. She's supposed to make me want to get up and dance around. But now she just has me feeling sad for her and wondering what the hell and who the hell talked her into doing this crap. I really am pulling for her, but I can't say that this is a great work of art, because in my opinion it's really not. It's too over-synthesized and there's more talking than singing. 


It's just not awesome.

Oct. 22nd, 2007

Reach Your Dream


 Dear food pushers (ie. my fiance's family),

Please STOP asking if I 'want more' and 'why don't you have another one?'. Just STOP. If I am hungry, I will EAT, but if I don't want another serving I WILL NOT TAKE IT. So PLEASE STOP ASKING!!!!111!!!



I have lost nearly 15 lbs and the reason I'm not eating more of your salad is because it's SWIMMING IN OIL and that is GROSS. If I wanted wet lettuce, I'd drown it in my water glass and DRINK IT.


Sincerely yours,

P.S. I still love you, despite your flaws.

Sep. 10th, 2007

Gone Away

"It's Britney, bitch."

VMA's 2007 recap:

Well yeah, it was Britney alright. I have to second starsprinkles comment about feeling a little sad for her, because honestly...I can't really comment on her performance. She did look off kilter and whether it be nerves or something else, for whatever reason she just didn't have it all together last night. My mom and I have discussed the fact that Britney is possibly bi-polar or may even have post-partum depression. Yes, she comes off as a 'trainwreck', but there is something far more deeper and personal going on behind the scenes. We only hear about the subpeona's from Kevin and how 'omg, she backed into a car again' or 'lashed out at another paparazzi'. You must be blind to think that she's just 'gone crazy'. I know depression, I've seen it before firsthand and experienced it myself. You walk around like you're in a haze and you DO feel off. You feel out of touch and lonely. Depression is a dark, nasty monster and with the way Britney has been acting, I absolutely would not be surprised if she isn't suffering from it.

On a lighter note...

Justin made me squee, which I'm still mad at him for. Matt referred to him as my 'boyfriend', thanks alot. I would've given a kidney, my liver, and my first 3 kids to have been in that Southern Hospitality suite. Ohmigod. Everyone seemed a little sad/mad when they'd have to go downstairs, away from the GOOD parties, to the main stage to do whatever. The intimate settings upstairs seemed hellavu lot more entertaining than that shiznit below them. 

I was expecting a bit more from the 'big, spectacular' performance at the very end. They (Nelly Furtado, Timbaland, & Justin) performed their collab song for like less than a minute! 

Also, I liked the set up this year, but yet I didn't. It seems like the stage keeps getting smaller every time they do one of these. Also, they sure kept the fans as far away from the main stage as possible. Everyone down front was a celebrity! All the 'regular people' were smushed in the back and in the balconies. That's why the parties upstairs in the suites were all the rave! You could not only partake in AMAZING performances, you could reach out and TOUCH your favorite singer! 

Well, that's my 2 cents. (Or is it fitty cents?)


Sep. 6th, 2007

Reach Your Dream

You gotta get with my friends

So I have a new blog (no, I'm not leaving LJ). It's focused solely on my weight loss, so if you'd like to track it with me...clicky here:

Kan Doo Attitood


Thanks in advance and I hope to see you there!

Sep. 5th, 2007


Omg!!!111! socute


Sep. 4th, 2007

(Justin) I'm super!

In reference to the HBO Futuresex/Loveshow:

Justin, as we all know, is a DAMN good performer. He totally proved it on the HBO special last night.

And at the end? When he came out and teared up a little bit because of all the love the audience was giving?

My heart might have broken a little bit.

Just a little bit.

Okay, a LOT a bit.

Also, I love the fact that he's all grown and can show his *very* dirty side now. What a pleasure to see. ;o)

Oh Justin. Why do you make me like you so much?!!

And why don't I have a hot Justin icon????

Aug. 28th, 2007

Gone Away

(no subject)

I had a nightmare last night wherein absolutely NOTHING was planned for my wedding!!! NOTHING! There was no one to marry us (my mom had to ask all the guests if any of them could officiate it), no flowers, no music, no NOTHING.


I woke up and my heart was pounding. It was so real. And I was so SCARED! 

Thank GOD it was just a dream. 

In other news...


That is all.

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